Borats reisedagbok

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Borats "engelske" reisedagbok fra USA.
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Borat Filming Diary - fra Fox Film.

Day 1 – Kucek, Kazakhstan
We leave Kazakhstan! I very excite – journey to airport from Kuzcek fast - we arrive safe after 19 hour, no attack from wolf, gypsy or giants from Turkmenistan. I fly to New York Cities Kazakh Air First Class!! This mean I one of first to use toilet box when it passed round before it too full of dirt from anus. My producer Azamat have to go in hold with luggages, animals and womens.

Day 2 – New York Cities, US and A
We is arrive in New York Cities. Immediate at airport I see it true – the buildings here is tallest in world…some of them has 3 floors! How this possible?! I travel into city centre on a cart that go under the ground which so long you cannot see the horse that pull it at the front. Fonzie my chicken escape, but I manage to catch him and put him back in my bag before anyone eat him.

Day 3 - New York Cities, US and A
I go explorings New York and make many new friends and go inside restaurant called McDonalds that so fancypants it actual have a separate room for make a shit in. I eat 17 delicious food named cheeseboorger and 600 packets of red soup named ketchups.

Day 4 - New York Cities, US and A
I wish I had not eat so much previous day – my asshole is hang loose like mouth of tired dog. Today I start my reportings. I interview man whose job a professor of humours. I tell him of time my brother Bilo (he retard with 204 teeth – 193 in mouth, 11 in nose) make a sexytime with my sister. I think he did not understand what I say as he do not laugh at this story. In my hotel that night, I watch US and A television and I see a virgin named CJ Parker on show called ‘Baywatches’. She more beautiful than any Kazakh woman I ever see – she have teeth that grow only on inside of her mouth and more hair on her head than her chest. I in love.

Day 5 - New York Cities, US and A
Next I meet some womens who is called feminists. I think they called this because they is much more feminine than Kazakh womens. I cannot stop think of this woman CJ from Baywatches. I discover she actual an actress named Pamela Andersons and she live in California. I wish I could go and find this Pamela, but I married and if my wife find out she would rape me again and tear off my chram.

Day 5 - New York Cities, US and A
In hotel I receive great news from Kazakhstan – my wife is dead! She was shoot by hunter who think she was a bear because she have hairs on her back, on her arms, hairs everywhere. I now free to pursuing this Pamela. Azamat agree that we go to California but he say we cannot fly in case the jews repeat their attacks of 9-11.

Day 6 - New York Cities, US and A
Because we cannot fly California I decide learn to operate American motorcar. I meet professor of driving who teach me – I nervous to travel alone in car with another man because only time this happen in Kazakhstan is for journey to edge of forest to make bang bang bang in anus. Next this day I go for make purchase of motorcar. American cars very powerful – here power of two hundred horses carries one man, in Kazakhstan 200 men is carried by 1 horse! I make acquisition of a beautiful truck – ladies will very much like me. High 5!

Day 7 – Pennsylvanias and Marys Land, US and A
We leaves New York cities and spends this day drivings – happytime! I cannot believe that on road I see womens also drivings cars. How can this be? It dangerous! To let a woman drive a car is like to let a monkey fly a plane. We of course do not allow this in Kazakhstan since 2003 Astana air crash.

Day 8 – Washingtons DC, US and A
This day we arrives at capital city of US and A, Washington DCs. I wondering if I will see mighty warlord, George Walter Bush, or maybe his father Barbara? I make interview of Republican Party official named Bob Barr. He nice man and have many sensible ideas – he also like death penalty, which we of course has also in Kazakhstan for serious crimes of spitting and cleaning anus with national flag. I meant to asking him what compensation American government give family if they kill wrong man – I think it probably clock radio same as in Kazakhstan? After this I find street party named ‘Gay Pride’ where I meet many very strong friendly mens. We wrestle totally nude in hotel. Nice!

Day 9 - Washingtons DC, US and A
This day I have interview with another politician names Alan Keyes. He a genuine chocolate face – it not make up like Kazakh negro clown Gogo. I receive some terrible information – I discover this party previous day was for homosexuals. I cannot believe that the man I let enter my anoos was a lulee lulee. I very distressed. This night I cannot sleep.

Day 10 – Western Virginias, US and A
This day we leaves Washington and continuing drivings toward California. I make appearance on American television programme!! It great success – the man there have inside knowledge of new hit show in Kazakhstan ‘Dallas’ and tell me who it was who shoot JR! We travels on to West Virginias where I make speech and singing at horse circus called a rodeo. I tell the peoples there that we is support American War Of Terror, but they do not like me. I think it because my singing not so good in tune. We leave in hurry because the cowboys are angry and I did not want them to break my anus again like moviefilm Brokeback Mountain. Azamat want to return to New York Cities. I say no.

Day 11 – Kentuckys, US and A
We is scared after rodeo but it seem the Hawk God is smiling on us. We see a gypsy camp outside a nice house and stop for extract some tears from them. Gypsy tears is of course miracle medecine that protect from bad luck and curse and also cures western diseases, example headache, sore throat and AIDS. We leaves this village and continue but Azamat make us get lost. We meets a group of young black peoples who is very nice – they is just like dancing negro Michael Jacksons ‘Beat It’! I tell them that we very much likes Michael Jackson in Kazakhstan – after apples and potassium our number 3 export is of course young boys to his ranch. They like! We look for somewhere to sleep the night and then most terrible event occur – the place we find we discover is run by jews!! They was cleverly disguised and had make hidden their horns. They try to poison me and then shift their shape to little kratzoulis. We manage somehow to escape by distract them with US dollars. This night we sleep in truck.

Day 11 – Tennessee, US and A
Azamat now very scaredy-cat – he insisting now we return immediate to New York Cities. I manage convince him no – I will find us protection from further attack. I go to gun shop but the man would not let me make purchase of firearm – In think this because he a hunter himself and did not want me to shoot any people he want to finish himself. We find a dealer of animals and because he had sell out of tigers I instead buy a bear for protection. I name this bear ‘Oxana’ because she look like my dead wife.

Day 12 – Tennessee, US and A
Happytime! We now have bear and is safe from attack – we continuing our journey to California. On radio this day I hear song from rockband Queen – I very happy! Many peoples say I looks like singer, ladies man Freddy Mercury. Infacts, last month I come 7th in Almaty’s annual ‘who look most like Freddy Mercury’ competition. This out of over 843,000 entrant! It a shame he die in that car crash.

Day 13 – Alabamas, US and A
Today we continue film reportings for our documentary. Azamat arrange for me learn how to be like gentleman at society dinner. The food I eating there was so delicious that even after it emerge from my small hole, it still smell more nice than Kazakh food. The dinner not end so well – the people was upset with a black prostitute I had invite to join me. I think they must have been offended because she was not wearing a hat? Americans is strange! Because we leave this dinner early, I go country weatern dancing with Luenell the prostitute and teach her our most popular Kazakh dances, including ‘Running Man’, ‘Whip The Gypsy’ and ‘Do The Walk Like Homosexual’. Funtime!! At end of evening I take her back to her home.

Day 14 – Mississippi, US and A
In Kazakhstan, if you want to make a sexytime in a lady you must give a gift of maybe a litre of insecticide or an apple to her father. In US and A you must give gift to the woman herself! Crazy! For this reasons I needed to make purchase of something for Pamela. We film a reporting in a shop selling things called ‘antiques’. Unfortunately I have little accident and break some things. The man want 425 dollars in payment!! This equivalent to entire Kazakh Education budget for one year! He insist that we give him money and for some reason would not accept some bags of Kazakh pubis instead. I do not understand why – everyone know that Kazakh pubis hair best in world and is very useful for clean pots and pans and knit into gloves in winter. Azamat now very very angry. We has very little money left and that night is force to share a hotel room where disaster occur. I catch him making hand party to picture of Pamela – the woman I love. We has a big fighting.

Day 15 - Mississippi, US and A
I wake up today and Azamat is left me. I has nothing – no money, no bear, nothing. I am determine to continue – the only thing that keep me going is my dream of holding Pamela in my arms and then making a romance explosion on her stomach. I continue driving towards California. This night I sleeps in truck again.

Day 16 – Tesax, US and A
This day I continue driving but my truck run out of gasolines. I try to find some horse or womens to capture and make pull it, by I cannot find any. I start to walking and just when I think I cannot continue any more I get lift from a group of young scholars who are traveling in a house on wheels. They are very nice – we get drunk! Then disaster occur once more – I put on television a video of Pamela which contain scenes of her making sexytime with a man with a tiny chram. I cannot believe she not a virgin! I leave this peoples. I wants to be dead. I fall asleeps on side of the road.

Day 17 - Tesax, US and A
I wake up infront of a large building – there is a much singings inside. I make entry, it is a place called a ‘church’ full of fat people who is happy dancings. The people here is very nice and tell me about a man named ‘Mr. Jesus’ who I did not meet because he in another town called ‘Heaven’. Something very nice happen to me here - some men touch me and chant a spells – I become semi turgid and full of joy. Then they take me to a house and clean me and give me foods.

Day 18 – Tesax / Californias, US and A
These new friends of mine who all has the name ‘Christian’ put me a another house on wheels which is drivings me all the way to Hollywood where lives Pamela. Happytime! I walks around this place – everyone there is very famous! When I looking on shops, I see buying a handbag, most beautiful woman in world - Liza Minelli. Then later I see driving in a car hero John Wayne and then I see at hotel named ‘Best Western’, fighting legend Mohammed Ali opening the door for peoples! I walk along Hollywood Boulevard and I cannot believe my seeings – it is Azamat dress like Adolf Hitler!! I want to crush him but he nice to me and so I go to his house where I discover he has actual been a very good man and has been stalking Pamela for me to help me catch her. He inform me that she will be make appearance in American store the next day. This my chance! We eat a delicious meal of beef jerkys and go to sleep.

Day 19 – Californias, US and A
We travel to place in California name ‘Orange County’ where Pamela will be appearance for her fannys. I very nervous – this my wedding day! Pamela appear in this shop called ‘Virgin’, which surprise me after what I have seen her do on that boat with man Thomas Lee. I cannot say what happen in this place, but she much more strong than she look – I will just say I was surprise that I could not catch her, especially because I experienced in these things – at Central Asian Olympics of 2001, I receive bronze medal for carrying a large woman against her will for 7.6 kilometre. I go back to Azamat’s apartment humiliated – she had escape from me.

Day 20 – Travel across US and A
This day Azamat and I catch Greyhound bus for return to Kazakhstan. I am miss very much my childrens – Hooeylewis 12, Bilak 11 and Biram also 11. I also am missing very much my 7 Grandchildrens and my retard brother Bilo. I think of him happy in his cage looking on porno making rub rub rub! He is sex crazy! I did return to Kazakhstan with a wifes though – you will see the moviefilm to find out who. She much more nice than than my old wife and have a shave down below! High 5.

Day 21 – Kuczek, Kazakhstan
I now back in my village of Kuzcek – it nice! I have big party to celebrate my returns and also death of my old wife. Tomorrow Ministry of Information will start editings. I hope they like – if film not success, I will be execute.

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