Ordbok for arbeidslivet

Helpdesk - bunch of people who couldn't help anyone if they tried (they don't).

Appraisal - annual torture session where everyone lies, boasts and exaggerates about what they do
Budget - random numbers plucked from the air and multiplied by the number you first thought of
Business trip - junket, party, holiday, and wasted by being available only to clueless bosses
Canteen - germ warfare laboratory
Club class - where they stick the yuppies nobody else would want to sit next to - like an isolation ward
Committee - wasters who gather to debate grammar and punctuation, and collect expense cheques
Computer - device for killing time without others being aware you are doing it
Computer games - risky pastime beloved of some staff . . . names available at a price!
Conference - windbag-fest where the important thing is to be seen, not listen to the boring speakers
Consultant - person who knows everything about subjects of no importance or use
Delegation - dumping work on someone else
Diary - impressive bound hardback book for decorating desks - has no entries other than name
E-Mail - electronic grapevine
Elastic band - vicious weapon when it bursts, often fired intentionally, though this is a skilled art
Empowerment - forcing staff to do jobs that they are not trained or qualified for
Executive - member of staff who ought to be due for execution
Filing - method for losing important documents, and then blaming the loss on staff
Finance - incomprehensible system used by accountants to baffle staff
Flexitime- ingenious system beloved of staff which is ripe for fiddles and tricks
Foreman - unlucky sod who does the work of a manager but gets none of the perks
Helpdesk - bunch of people who couldn't help anyone if they tried (they don't)
Internet - toy
Job description - brilliant work of imagination deserving of its place on the fiction shelf
Latin - dead language for show-offs who aren't capable of writing in plain English
London - place where no-one seems to work between the hours of 9 and 5, Monday-Friday
Management - dumping ground for failed staff
Meeting - technique for putting off decisions for long periods of time (or even permanently)
Minute - document that is anything but minute and takes hours to read
Mission - statement pretentious meaningless waffle beloved of managers
Overtime - means to earning enough to live
PA - personal shopper and toiletry consultant
Paper clip - device for detaching papers you wanted attached, or ripping them
Paper plane - example of staff's creative ability and design skills - to be encouraged at all times
Paradigm - a big word with which to impress and confuse colleagues - use it whenever possible
Payslip - herald of the pay, opened with anticipation, read with disappointment
Plan - a nice wall decoration that bears no relevance to what actually happens
Prioritise - do the easy work first
Salary - the only reason anyone turns up at a place of work (not that they do any)
Sandwich - allegedly food, pretty inedible, expensive, and impossible to open the packaging of
Secondee - person who will be clueless when they join, and leave before they learn anything
Secretariat - send letters to the wrong people then cause hassle if they aren't answered on time
Secretary - max factor consultant
Seminar - hot-air blab fest with no tangible result
Sick leave - extra leave for anyone who can successfully pretend to have colds etc over the phone
Staff - slaves
Staff index - list of who used to work where (about 6 changes ago)
Stationery - the most portable and easy to "borrow" of all office assets
Supervisor - person who watches other people work and gets paid for it
Switchboard - stick pins in the staff list then forward calls to whoever is stabbed
Teamwork - jointly dumping work on someone else
Telephone - pest
Temp - skivvy
Tipp-ex - emulsion paint, designed to crack and peel off of any paper surface
Toilets - secure hiding place (see also store cupboard, filing room)
Typist - source of all gossip and shopping news, therefore has no time to type
Vending machine - swallows all coins, British and foreign - but gives nothing in return
Videoconference - all of the hassle of talking to people elsewhere without the pleasure of travel or catering
Waffle - mode of speech used by managers at all times - see also drivel
Xmas lunch - a hangover from forelock-tugging days, now just an embarrassing, boring waste of time.

 Foto: Per Ervland
Foto: Per Ervland Vis mer

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